#210 - Connecting misophonia to childhood trauma and healing.

Adeel [0:01]: Welcome to the Misophonia podcast. This is episode 210. My name is Nabil Ahmad and I have Misophonia. This week I'm talking to Alex from beautiful Victoria, British Columbia. Alex shares her lifelong journey with Misophonia, which began at around age 11 amid a turbulent home life. She opens up about her sensitivity to sounds, especially during family meals, that became tied to a need to escape overwhelming emotion. Through therapy, Alex discovered how these triggers were linked to deeper childhood trauma and learned to reframe her actions with self-compassion. From feeling isolated and misunderstood to finding tools for healing, her story is really a powerful reflection on resilience, emotional awareness, and a path towards self-acceptance. After the show, let me know what you think. You can reach out by email at hello at misophonia podcast dot com. Or hit me up on Instagram or Facebook at Misophonia Podcast. And by the way, please head over and leave a quick rating or review wherever you listen to the show. It really helps more listeners find the podcast. And a few of my usual announcements. If you want to come on the podcast, just go to MisophoniaPodcast.com and click the Become a Guest link. It's really easy to pick a time slot and you'll get all the details. There are guides for home improvement. I know this is 2025. You might have goals for wanting a quieter home. And there are a lot of guides on the site if you go to missiphoneypodcast.com slash guides. And missiphoney.shop is open. I relaunched the merch shop. You can find all kinds of great things about the podcast. AirPod cases, shirts, hats. It all goes to support the show. And also, a portion will go to fun research through So Quiet and some special projects that I'll be announcing later this year. Thanks for the incredible ongoing support of our Patreon supporters. Shout out to new Patreon supporter, Chelsea. If you feel like contributing, you can read all about the various levels at patreon.com slash missafonipodcast. All right, now here's my conversation with Alex. Alex, welcome to the podcast. Great to have you here.

Unknown Speaker [2:23]: Why, thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here.

Adeel [2:26]: Yeah, so tell us a little bit of kind of roughly where you're located and what you do.

Unknown Speaker [2:32]: Yeah, I'm located in Victoria, British Columbia.

Adeel [2:36]: That's like my dream city to move to, possibly.

Unknown Speaker [2:41]: It's quite magical. It's quite magical, yes.

Adeel [2:44]: I'm Canadian, so I mean, I can easily go there. It's just like one of these days.

Unknown Speaker [2:48]: One of these days, yeah. It is a lovely place to live. I'm very, very grateful. And yeah, I work as a healthcare aide. And I work at a hospital in the emergency department. um more of a recent kind of career shift but yeah that's what i've been doing it's it's a lot of stimuli um so this this my job definitely brings up brings up some some stuff but yeah that's kind of kind of what i do um yeah

Adeel [3:21]: Yeah, I've talked to a number of people in health care, actually, even in nursing, health care aides. So that's interesting. A lot of people gravitate towards that, probably not necessarily because of sensitivities. I would think probably the opposite. Yeah. But I guess, let's start there. Obviously, we'll get into your background, but like, you know, tactically, day to day, how do you, you said lots of stimuli. Do you take times for breaks? How do you figure that out? Do your co-workers know, colleagues know about misophonia?

Unknown Speaker [3:55]: Um, yeah, so no, no, no one knows. The environment is very fast paced. And I don't actually know a lot of my co workers super well, but yet I'm pretty new to the department. So they don't. So at times, it is quite isolating, because I find myself being so overwhelmed at times and have no one really to explain or articulate it to because for people who have never heard of it it's just it's so it's such a bizarre concept to understand if you if you've never experienced it yourself um but i definitely make an effort to uh i take a lot of walks outside i find just being outside in the fresh air and Um, yeah, just, just a change of scenery, you know, not so many blaring lights and, and sounds and, um, but yeah, definitely just like taking time to breathe and taking time to just settle into my body and kind of, you know, calm my nervous system because that's, that's obviously always in fight or flight.

Adeel [5:01]: Yeah. So, um, and I would think that also, um, if it's so fast-paced you're never in the same place or same situation for very long right which probably kind of helps yeah for sure and and i find it's it's less

Unknown Speaker [5:20]: It affects me less because I find I'm most affected by repetitive sounds or visual stimuli. So here, it's not so much repetitive, which which Yeah, and because it's so fast paced, and I'm always moving around and dealing with different clients, it is, is I think, a lot more. It's a lot easier to navigate for sure.

Adeel [5:43]: Gotcha. Gotcha.

Unknown Speaker [5:44]: Yeah.

Adeel [5:45]: And, um, so, so yeah, you said you were, um, oh, well, actually you said visual stimuli. So I'm assuming mesokinesia is a big part of your experience.

Unknown Speaker [5:55]: Yeah. Actually, as of late, it has been almost just as bad as the sensory. Yeah. The visual has been really, yeah, really getting to me these days.

Adeel [6:08]: Yeah. Yeah. What about when you're home? When you get home, what's the situation like there?

Unknown Speaker [6:19]: So I live with a lovely roommate who is aware and is very mindful and, you know, cognizant and will ask me for eating a bag of chips. It's so sweet. So that's wonderful. I also have, I'm sure you know about them, the Loop headphones.

Adeel [6:39]: Right. Earplugs. Earplugs, rather. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker [6:42]: They quite literally have saved my life. I plop those in anytime things... yeah, get a bit too much. But I often take some time just to go to my room, decompress, kind of put my earplugs in and just sit in a bit of silence. But I find, yeah, my home environment is probably where it acts up the least. I would say, yeah, more public spaces like cafes and work and things like that trigger me a lot more.

Adeel [7:15]: Yeah. And how about going out with friends? Like, do you, you know, socially, are your friends aware?

Unknown Speaker [7:20]: Yeah, so, it's so funny. I'm still, you know, I've been dealing with this since I was 11 years old, and the stigma is still so alive and well. Like, I'm so hesitant to tell people about it, because I'm... you know, oftentimes embarrassed or ashamed because I, it feels, it feels almost so insensitive to be upset by the sound of somebody chewing or, or, you know, making any kind of, of noise that, that can be triggering. So a few of my friends do know, um, But I think for me, a lot of times it's removing myself from the situation, which isn't always productive. But it's usually the most... It's the most like alleviating. So just completely removing myself from the situation or closing my eyes if it's visual. Yeah. Yeah.

Adeel [8:20]: I'm just getting curious. How do you tell them that, you know, you have to go or is it just like they turn around and it's like, where's Alex?

Unknown Speaker [8:28]: Um, no, I try my best to be as civilized as possible.

Adeel [8:33]: Right, right, right. I guess we have to be civilized at times with these people.

Unknown Speaker [8:39]: Yeah, I mean, when I was a kid, oh, I would, like, make a scene and, you know, storm away and just in complete disgust. But I obviously have dealt with this long enough to know that that's super inappropriate. But, yeah, definitely just kind of, I'll say, I'm just a little overstimulated. I'm just going to go take a walk. Or, yeah, I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed. I'm going to take a moment. And I'm very open about other things in my life. And, you know, the mental health struggles that we all deal with. And so my friends are always very understanding. And I don't feel the need to go into the gory details.

Adeel [9:24]: So, yeah, I mean, let's rewind way back, like around age 11. What's going on kind of in your life at home, your first triggers?

Unknown Speaker [9:34]: Yeah, so, yeah, I was about 11 years old. And the very first time that I think I really noticed it was with my dad. He... He was, he's a very, my family's Eastern European and, you know, they love their food. And most of my family have like very, what's the word? Annoying eating habits, like very, very loud, you know, talking with their mouth full. And my dad was very kind of unaware of what those like habits looked like from an outsider's perspective. And so... that was definitely the first kind of trigger was my dad that talking with a mouthful and things like that and at the time growing up it was i i lived in um like a pretty you know dysfunctional i would say like household and and that was the year that my parents were actually separating and so it's been super interesting to like work through a lot of this in therapy and connect those dots so incredibly um to be like oh Yes, my life, I was kind of like in this state of fight or flight, you know, things very uncertain, mom and dad yelling, things like happening around me. And I think my body almost like connected this sound and feeling with this need to like escape and like remove myself from an unsafe situation. And... I think I have like almost, yeah, the connection between sound. And yeah, like needing to escape, like moving myself in like a protective mechanism. That's kind of how I've understood how it developed in my little body. But I mean, I'm not entirely sure if that is, you know, based on good scientific evidence, but that's kind of how I've made sense of it in my brain.

Adeel [11:44]: Yeah, I don't think science has studied that enough, but if you listen to enough episodes of the podcast, you'll hear that kind of story a lot, at least a lot of stories that rhyme with that. So it's fascinating that you've been able to make that connection. Yeah, I'd love to eventually talk more about that. know if you want to kind of how you got to that point in therapy but um yeah i mean you're you're obviously um oh yeah a lot of stuff going on there you're probably trying to protect yourselves but also maybe um trying to read the moods of everybody right because you know you have to probably you know you figure out when you can interact with other people Or you probably want to, a child wants to make sure that their caregiver is calm. So there's probably a protection in the other direction as well, at least to the extent that you can. So hearing, as I've said before, is one of the earliest warning signs that we have, right? It's the hardest thing to block off. So that's, I feel like, I don't know, to me it makes sense that it's one of the things that we become most sensitive to.

Unknown Speaker [12:55]: Yeah, absolutely.

Adeel [12:57]: Did you have siblings as well?

Unknown Speaker [12:59]: I did. I do. Yeah, I have two sisters. We're all five years apart. And yeah, my younger sister has a milder version, I would say. Not at all to the extent of me. Growing up was extremely difficult. I could barely sit at the table with my family for meals. And but yeah. Yeah, they they also didn't kind of quite understand at the time, but they really understand now. And it's it's been nice to have that support and to kind of, yeah, for them to understand how that all came about now that we're older and can reflect on our childhood with. with, you know, an adult brain.

Adeel [13:47]: Yeah. So how were your reactions when you were going through triggers at that age? Sounds like it was, you know, the typical just, you know, you'd just be dysregulated and probably yelling at family members. Was it kind of really acting out like that or just removing yourself?

Unknown Speaker [14:05]: It was less... was less um directed at the person it was more of just um dramatically making an exit like making it known that i was leaving because i was so um either like the feeling the emotion that is evoked most viscerally for me is the feeling of like disgust um And for me, I was just like, oh my gosh, I have to get out of this. I have to remove myself from the situation. And I wouldn't try to hide it. I would definitely get known that I was affected and triggered. But outwardly, I would say only very infrequently would I make comments about that. And if I did, usually they were directed to my dad. I would just be like, Can you just... Can you just chew with your mouth closed, please, for the love of God?

Adeel [15:03]: Yeah, yeah. And what was the reaction of your family then?

Unknown Speaker [15:08]: Oh, not good. They... Yeah, they did not understand. They thought... And because it was so... It's still so under-researched. They... They just thought I'm, you know, this dramatic, you know... teenager who's just trying to get a rise out of people or I don't know um is just constantly annoyed at their family but yeah it took a while for my for my mom to come around she finally did and was like very lovely in the end about it um my dad on the other hand not so much um to this day yeah

Adeel [15:53]: And how did your, um, yeah, then I, you know, how did your relationship then evolve with, with each of your parents as, you know, this was obviously, I mean, sometimes it is a wedge, you know, it becomes a wedge. I'm just kind of curious how that, uh, did you, well, if you want to get into it, kind of, how was your relationship with your, with your parents and even your, something is better with your siblings. And then do you, how much do you attribute that to misophonia?

Unknown Speaker [16:18]: Yeah, that's a great question. Um,

Adeel [16:24]: For me, it's a big deal. I'll just say that. And it is for a lot of people.

Unknown Speaker [16:28]: Yeah, I definitely, like my misophony has always been the worst with my mom and dad. And I know that comes from a deep-rooted resentment that I have towards both of them. Just because of my upbringing. It's actually, it's quite bad with my mom. I unfortunately don't have any kind of relationship with my mom. um anymore um and it's is because of kind of the unraveling and recollecting and kind of coming to terms with how this condition has manifested in my body. A lot of it has to do with the dysregulation that I felt growing up with the lack of emotional support and security. There was a lot of neglect and kind of we were all just... left to fend for ourselves and and have all kind of come out with yeah very um troubled um nervous systems and minds and we've kind of been picking up the pieces ever since but your siblings as well right like maybe not the same misophonia but other other things Totally. Yeah. And yeah, my older sister struggles like a lot with a lot of OCD symptoms. And yeah, it's just so interesting, because we can, you know, just attribute all of it to the dynamics and the environment of growing up. But yeah, it has been interesting to see, to explore why it was always the worst with with my parents. And And yeah, I just see so clearly now why that was the case. Thankfully, my dad and I are quite close. They all live in Ontario, so I don't see my family very often.

Adeel [18:25]: I think that's why my dad and I have... For the audience, Ontario is very far away from Victoria.

Unknown Speaker [18:31]: Yes.

Adeel [18:31]: I'm from Ontario, so I know how hard it is.

Unknown Speaker [18:36]: Yeah. And so I often I often think to myself that my dad and I only have a relationship because of the distance, because, you know, yeah, we yeah. And that's but I'm grateful for that. And my sisters and I are are quite close. And it's nice to be able to bond with siblings over, you know, dysfunction and childhood trauma and stuff.

Adeel [19:05]: Not to dwell, but I'm just curious. It sounds like your dad was the worst trigger and doesn't understand to this day. I think your mom thinks we're better in the end, but you have no relationship with her. Do you want to, I don't know, explain that a little bit? People might be wondering.

Unknown Speaker [19:25]: Yes, that's pretty confusing. So... Without, like, yeah, making a painfully long story short, my... my mom i suppose became more understanding of my misophonia but more out of avoidance of conflict like it was less about easing my symptoms and more about i don't want anything to do with this i'm not going to give her any reason to like resent or be upset with me so i'm just going to like never eat with her or be near her when I'm eating or doing anything. Um, so she, although like it was very helpful, it didn't really come from a place of, of love and support.

Adeel [20:22]: Um, I think continuation of the pattern, I guess sounds like you have neglect.

Unknown Speaker [20:27]: Yeah. And, and, and that is a large reason why my mom and I have no relationship is, is like a lack of accountability for what went on growing up and um, there's a lot of parental alienation when my parents split up and so I actually didn't have a relationship with my dad for for about like five years of my life in my like early adolescence um And so despite the fact that my dad is still not very understanding of my misophonia We've just come such a long way and have rebuilt our relationship in so many ways um that that yeah it although he doesn't get it he he's very you know said in his ways conservative you know man but he he has taken accountability for a lot of other things um that have gone on and i think for that my resentment has really um settled uh with my mom it it's completely uh it's alive and well um But I don't know. I think the misophonia is only one component of it. There's just a whole other... There's other layers there.

Adeel [21:39]: Yeah, lots of layers. And yeah, just one more thing about that. Just curious, you know, your dad's still triggering you, but do you find, this might be a slow process, but like starting to, I don't know, resolve, maybe resolve some of those layers. Is that affecting maybe the misophonia with your dad at all or not yet? Yeah.

Unknown Speaker [22:05]: You know, it is interesting. The closer of a relationship I have with my dad and the less I see him, when I'm with him, those interactions feel a lot more intentional. And I don't feel like... like those triggers affect me as much um and i really do try to make a point of like removing myself or making sure that i'm not even in a place where i can be triggered almost um using your agency that you have now that you definitely didn't have back then it sounds like absolutely yeah and i and i think yeah definitely since yeah rebuilding and reworking that relationship with my dad there's there's a lot more love and emotional support there overall i mean maybe not necessarily with the misophonia but in other areas but it does alleviate those triggers um a whole lot right right no that's great i mean you probably still have that inner child that kind of where those those memories are imprinted but at least maybe there is some movement

Adeel [23:12]: yeah yeah for sure fascinating um yeah probably kind of like maybe revisit this kind of thing later i'm just kind of curious like at school and stuff um you know what was going on there maybe friends

Unknown Speaker [23:28]: Yeah. Yeah. So I went to McMaster University. I graduated.

Adeel [23:33]: Oh, yeah. Hamilton.

Unknown Speaker [23:34]: Yeah. In Hamilton. Yeah. In 2021, I graduated. And that was tough. The big lecture halls were hard. The typing, the typing on the laptop. Oh, that would get me. Crinkling of things, you know, people eating in class. I had to leave class so many times during my undergrad.

Adeel [23:58]: Did you get any accommodations or anything at all?

Unknown Speaker [24:02]: You know, I could have. I am sure of it. But I never accessed them because I always thought that I would be met with... um i don't know maybe like shock or disbelief that i feel yeah ridicule to be like are you serious and and i think because of that i just was like i'll figure it out on my own i always you know i i've done it my whole life pretty much so i'll just continue on and Yeah, also, too, the, you know, the leg bounce when people are, like, fidgeting with their leg. Yeah, that visual. Playing with your hair, like, twirling of hair. That one, that visual stimuli is really... That one gets me a lot. And I was recently in class just at a college here in Victoria for about six, seven months. And the classes were very small, but... i too would have to leave quite often or close my eyes or wear my earplugs because yeah the stimuli was just so close and and constant uh it was very hard to concentrate and you know ground myself but i did the best i could i made it out alive yeah but uh that's right that is yeah but it was consolation yeah

Adeel [25:32]: And how about, and then I guess you went out, well, so I would imagine with your friends, it was still kind of case by case basis, like who got to know.

Unknown Speaker [25:42]: Yeah.

Adeel [25:43]: Yeah. When did you realize that it had a name? When did you find out it had a name?

Unknown Speaker [25:47]: Oh, probably when I was about 15 or 16. yeah i think i yeah i was in high school and i think i like i think i like googled why do i feel disgusted when my like dad eats or something like that and like came across this like one news article on misophonia or something and they you know broke it down in the latin terms and it's like the the hatred of sound or whatever that definition is and and i went oh my god i think i have that and and i went i actually started going to therapy specifically for that

Adeel [26:33]: Okay. Okay.

Unknown Speaker [26:34]: Yeah. At about 15. And, um, and at that point it was more just trying to learn coping strategies. It wasn't actually until I was in my twenties that a new therapist I found was like, Hey, this is probably connected to your childhood and stuff. um so yeah but yeah probably around 15 is when i like learned about it and was able to kind of like conceptualize it and and to tell my friends to be like hey this has a name i don't feel as crazy anymore yeah and so what did you what did that first therapist try to do or offer Yeah, it was not helpful, I don't think.

Adeel [27:16]: Yeah, no one knew what it was. Well, not many people knew what it was back then.

Unknown Speaker [27:20]: Right, so a lot of it was kind of just like... learning to regulate so you know drawing attention to breath drawing attention to an object doing the five senses um you know i i often what i did a lot growing up was um i would rub the tops of my thighs with my hands just like up and down that was like a soothing tactic that i that i've used a lot just kind of paying attention to like the feeling and that sensation of that um But yeah, it was mostly like self-soothing tactics and... I can remember at least.

Adeel [28:04]: That's about 10 years ago. What's the news articles start to come out? I actually read a news article in 2007 and it was actually on CTV. CTV.ca of all places. It predated most of the popular articles that you hear about now. It's Canada kind of leading a little bit there. Well, yeah, so I guess then, I'm curious about that newer therapist. Is that somebody you're still seeing now?

Unknown Speaker [28:38]: Um, yes, yes. And no, they, they, um, operate out of Ontario. Um, and because I'm here, I do see a therapist here, but we, we are still kind of like in touch in a lot of ways. Like she was my therapist for like almost four years. She, she really helped me through a lot of it. And, and for her, yeah. Making, making that connection to the, um, to the like need to flee, the need to escape as a child and finding that escape through that like fight or flight response that was triggered by a lot of the things that my parents did. That connection and that kind of like diving into that like deep-rooted resentment and that that feeling of just like disgust and annoyance and you know needing to like get away um she often would just say like that was your body's way of protecting you like you were just trying to get yourself out of a situation and your brain made that connection to things like sound um or or like visual stimuli and And, yeah, I think, you know, it started to make so much more sense when she would ask me, well, why do you think it's the worst with your mom and dad? And, you know, of course it was. I mean, they were my parents.

Adeel [30:11]: You mean the people who kind of left me to fend for myself, yeah.

Unknown Speaker [30:16]: Yeah, they're supposed to protect me and stuff. And I kind of had to... had to figure it out on my own and like learn to, to regulate on my own.

Adeel [30:27]: And where were you living with your mom or your dad back then?

Unknown Speaker [30:30]: So at the time I, I only, so when my parents split up, yeah, I lived only with my mom. Um, yeah, it was very kind of the, the visiting and such with my dad was very on, uh, unfair, I guess you could say like it was never, there was never, um, like any legal, um, documentation about how often they got to see us so we lived with our mom and our mom kind of made made the choice of when we would see our dad so i lived with my mom for most of my life what did she do in terms of work and was her kind of like i don't know day-to-day yeah she she worked for like uh this company called the log of london it's just they like lease they lease equipment to like hospitals and like i don't know they manufacture products it's a very boring job but she worked as a like collections agent and i don't think was very fulfilled in her life and yeah definitely had like a lot of undiagnosed mental health conditions which you know you know hurt people hurt people that whole thing it's like trauma is so cyclical um and so yeah i i she struggled growing up or sorry she struggled while we were growing up and Um, yeah, so I, that's, yeah, it was just a lot of, you know, walking on eggshells and just, you know, being hypervigilant of everyone's emotions and such, but.

Adeel [32:04]: Yeah.

Unknown Speaker [32:05]: Yeah.

Adeel [32:06]: What was her, maybe her childhood like? Was it, was it, did she grow up here? Kind of, was there anything notable?

Unknown Speaker [32:13]: Yeah, so my mom is the oldest of 10 kids.

Adeel [32:16]: Okay.

Unknown Speaker [32:18]: Yeah. So she started parenting at age four. Was like changing diapers and feeding her baby brothers and sisters when she was like still a toddler herself. And... yeah she grew up in um what's it not uh godridge godridge and that's kind of like near near london ontario okay yeah yeah and yeah my grandparents were like very religious um and very strict uh and yeah my mom kind of just grew up far too fast and then got married and had kids and you know the parenting never stopped and I don't think she ever took a moment to to reflect on her own childhood and what that might have done for her and I think because of that those like resentments came out um in her parenting and and yeah I mean I have a lot of compassion for my mom like regardless of it all I understand you know not Not everyone has the best experiences growing up, but I think it's, yeah, it's just the way she goes sometimes.

Adeel [33:41]: Interesting. I'm curious, your dad, did he grow up here too? What was his kind of like childhood?

Unknown Speaker [33:50]: Yeah, his was fairly normal from what I understand. Yeah, I grew up in Etobicoke, raised by my babsha and opa. So they both immigrated, my babsha from Poland, my opa from Austria. had two kids i have an aunt who's my dad's uh sister of course i know their relationship is pretty tumultuous but um yeah i think i mean i think they butt heads with the parents as as they do but i i'm pretty sure for the most part my dad's childhood was i mean he's he doesn't express his emotions um at all really I don't know that that was happening when they were growing up.

Adeel [34:40]: I doubt it. I doubt it.

Unknown Speaker [34:43]: Yeah, definitely not. So in that regard, yeah, I think he's been silenced a lot of his life and has never really learned how to express emotions appropriately.

Adeel [34:56]: Right. So you probably didn't, you guys probably didn't feel that much from your parents growing up. It sounds like there was always something going on. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker [35:04]: Yeah. Yeah. It was like dad retreated and, you know, shut down and mom blew up and yelled and it was like, pick your poison. Which one is better?

Adeel [35:15]: Yeah. And, um, jumping, I jump around, jumping to, uh, you know, that, that second therapist, how quick, so did you go to her to about misophonia in particular, or was it you were starting, needed to kind of like explore what happened?

Unknown Speaker [35:30]: Um, yeah, so it's really interesting. When I went to therapy, I didn't even know what it was going to therapy for. I was like, I just should probably like maybe start talking about stuff. And it's crazy.

Adeel [35:42]: Because how did you realize that just people listening might be like, you know, on the fence or about to hit that moment?

Unknown Speaker [35:50]: Yeah, I, I think I just, in my body knew that that something existed in my body that I didn't know how to address. And I was like, I just feel this need. And I think I, I think I felt the resentment towards my mom building up so deeply, like it was bubbling, almost bubbling over. And I wanted to like explore that, but I had no idea where that exploration would take me. So my first session, I like told my therapist, she told me this three years later. She said, our first therapy session, you said, my mom and I have a great relationship. My mom is my best friend.

Adeel [36:39]: Sorry, I'm laughing. No, it's quite comical. Yeah, yeah. That says a lot there, I think. Totally. How we kind of protect ourselves or protect what happened to us and put a shiny coat on.

Unknown Speaker [36:56]: 100%. I went into therapy being like, I had a great childhood. My childhood was totally fine. I mean, minus the fact that my parents split up, like, it was all good. All great. And then, you know, as I would say things, she was like, no, not all good. Definitely not all good. And making those connections with the sound sensitivity. And just, you know, unraveling everything and having someone say, hey, you know, you were a kid and you needed a lot more than you were given and you were forced to kind of, yeah, like be, I'm a very independent person and I am very grateful for that. But that wasn't really my choice. Like I just had to be, I had to take care of myself, take care of my sisters, you know, that was the kind of the mediator of the family. But yeah, very interesting that I had no idea really what I was going to therapy for. And then it changed my entire life.

Adeel [37:58]: Yeah, sometimes some impulse just kind of does build up and you kind of know. Your body moves in that direction. And yeah, I'm not a therapist, but you notice that I kind of wanted to go back to your childhood pretty quickly because I just see what happened. No, absolutely. Because I've had enough of these conversations that I know that there might be something there. So I'm glad you found that therapist. That's amazing. Yeah. And one other point I want to say is something that has come up in conversations I've had with people is it's so fascinating that obviously you said that on your first session that everything's good. But I've heard people explain misophonia as kind of a warning sign telling you that there's something wrong when you yourself might think that nothing's wrong. And so in a way, misophonia is kind of like a signal or a message to you, acting in good faith to try to get you to move somewhere better. Which sounds like you're moving towards something better, despite, you know, still having misophonia. And, you know, hopefully we'll get over that soon. But it's interesting. I like to kind of sometimes think of misophonia as almost a positive thing in some ways.

Unknown Speaker [39:18]: Yeah.

Adeel [39:19]: If it can help you unravel a lot of these things that happened to you.

Unknown Speaker [39:23]: 100%.

Unknown Speaker [39:23]: Because I think that's how I stored a lot of my... trauma is through that i like my my body and my mind fixated hyper fixated on these sounds as like i don't know like a protective measure and it's almost like my body was like giving me something to focus on to like distract my body from what was actually going on around me. And I definitely, yeah, I think that's really interesting to phrase that as a warning sign because It's normal in the sense that I've experienced this for so much of my life. But being in a constant state of fight or flight is not normal. It's not how your body is meant to be. Your body should only go into fight or flight when your body's in danger. And I think for me, so much of my life was this constant state of like, what's going to happen? And, yeah, I do think the Misophonia really, like, shed a lot of light on that for me. And I was able to...

Adeel [40:30]: to really recognize like oh wow my little brain and body was just trying to protect me and this is this pattern and this connection is like how that happened almost yeah how did you um so what is your current therapist like um helping you do maybe to address schizophrenia or oh actually you sound like you've been there for a few years i'm curious if you i don't know if she's kind of helped you through anything coping methods or um modalities

Unknown Speaker [40:59]: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think for me, the, the, the biggest part was like main or gaining a sense of control over it. And I think I gained a lot of control over it once I realized its root. Um, and so now when these things come up, I'm like, okay, this is not about this person. You know, this person's doing nothing wrong. This has everything to do with, you know, like young Alex who, you know, use this as kind of like a mechanism to to yeah i don't know survive like a survival mechanism um and so having that ability to kind of like talk myself down and say hey like this is this is okay this is not um Like there's something that's a lot bigger going on. It's not this person who is like eating chips or something. But I think a lot of the stuff that I've been working on with my therapist is... Just being able to recognize in the moment and actively try not to avoid. I think for so much of my life, I've taken the easy way out of isolating, avoiding, leaving the room, escaping. And I really tried the kind of exposure therapy, for lack of a better term, of forcing myself to sit in the discomfort. and to develop a different response. So normally, like today, for example, I also work at a naturopath clinic in reception, just part-time. And I'm working today, and the someone behind me in the charting room was eating their food. And it wasn't the sound of them eating that bothered me. It was the cutlery hitting the bowl, like that repetitive sound of cutlery hitting a dish. is the most i think maybe the most triggering sound for me right now um and normally i would go to the back and like close the door and you know be away from it and i just sat there and i listened to the sound and i just like took a few deep breaths and just like tried to hear the sound not in a like you know i just i don't know i tried to like re reframe it reframe yeah reframe what that sound means to me and it's obviously so much easier said than done and i did not do it gracefully believe me um but i just sat there and really tried to like

Adeel [43:50]: breathe and and just hear the sound differently if that makes sense um yeah yeah and do you think that um you know exposure therapy gets a really bad name because i don't think you can just jump into exposure therapy um without some of that background work that you did right like not having made that connection um not knowing where some of these reactions came from do you think you'd be able to do that

Unknown Speaker [44:22]: Absolutely not.

Adeel [44:24]: Right. I mean, because some of the things that you're describing, like knowing the root cause, which, you know, it didn't have exactly the same, you know, reaction background as you did, but a lot of, you know. let's just say some overlap there. Um, but, but just knowing now, yeah, where my reactions, um, kind of come from perhaps where they were rooted in. I can now listen to science sounds and kind of intercept myself a little bit, you know, and just try to like intercept, talk myself kind of like we used to talk myself down.

Unknown Speaker [45:02]: to me i try to talk to my inner child and and just give that validation and love and that can kind of make the difference yeah absolutely i think yeah the the inner child work is so so helpful because that's where where it all started and i think it's so important to be like hey it's all good we can we can do this yeah how about

Adeel [45:30]: Has it helped in maybe, and you don't have to get into comorbid conditions. You said like some of your siblings have other conditions. I'm curious if you've experienced other things as well. Like a lot of us have, I don't know, ADHD or maybe OCD or bipolar, things like that.

Unknown Speaker [45:46]: yeah um well yeah i i've struggled with depression for i'd say probably the last like four years of my life um and yeah of course like attribute a lot of those symptoms to um yeah my upbringing and and not knowing how to regulate my emotions and having a lot of relationships um not tarnished but maybe just like more tumultuous relationships just because um lack of you know, emotional, just not really being able to articulate or vocalize, um, the things that I'm experiencing because a lot of my upbringing was very, um, yeah, you just didn't really, you didn't talk about anything. Everything was, you know, under the rug, you know, everything's fine. Everything's all good. Even though shit was not good. Uh, sorry. I, I'm not.

Adeel [46:47]: Um, yeah.

Unknown Speaker [46:53]: And so, um, yeah, that's been, that has been extremely, uh, tough. And I think on my, you know, harder days, I find like triggers are more common. I think when I'm already kind of on edge or I'm, having a low day, I think, yeah, the visual or sensory stimuli can be a bit more overwhelming. But I've managed quite well. I'm in therapy and I was very happy to find a medication that worked really, really well for me and has been probably the most stable I've been in my life in a really, really long time. And for that, I'm very grateful. But yeah, I definitely still... uh a struggle yeah with like i don't know if i'd call it chronic depression but um some form of of of like yeah like let's call it chronic just for lack of a better term but yeah um and the medication kind of helped with that a little bit uh it sounds like did that affect misophonia at all

Adeel [48:02]: Usually doesn't. I'm just putting that out there, yeah.

Unknown Speaker [48:06]: Yeah, I don't think so. I don't think so. I will say I found probably, though, in the last four years, my misophonia has... has triggered more anxiety-inducing symptoms, more than ever before. I usually would find that when I've been triggered in the past, it's just like a fight or flight, I need to get out of here. But I found, yeah, in more recent years, the... that feeling of like being very on edge or almost being like anxious to go places because I'm like, oh my God, I can't imagine going to the movie theaters and sitting around people who are also eating. And I find like that kind of anticipatory anxiety or that anticipating those triggers before they even happen has been, that has been the only thing that I would say has maybe been different.

Adeel [49:12]: um and i don't know if that has any relation to like depression or anxiety that i experience but i'm sure it does yeah yeah and you mentioned um a little bit about relationships i'm kind of curious how you know how did that work out um you said maybe tarnish something but i don't know like did you have any

Unknown Speaker [49:38]: people who are understanding or not understanding or things that just fell apart because of misophonia yeah i think um i wouldn't say that was like the um the soul kind of of reason but i i think for me not being able to articulate misophonia or feeling ashamed and not expressing what that looked like for me in my life and how that influences a lot of my interactions and like the way I exist in the world. Previous partners maybe didn't know the extent of that. And so oftentimes I would become, you know, deeply resentful um of this person um because i i'm you know they're things are they're doing something they're um eating or um fidgeting or something and and i feel too embarrassed and ashamed to say anything and as we know you bottle things up resentment builds and then you know what are you talking about

Adeel [50:52]: Yep, check, check, yep.

Unknown Speaker [50:53]: Yeah, and so I think, I mean, not to say that that was like what cost me a relationship, but I think... misophonia definitely contributed a lot to like resentments that i created towards a person without even realizing it um because i just didn't i didn't i don't even know yeah i didn't know how to how to say it without sounding you know for lack of a better term crazy like i i really was called that a lot by my dad growing up like he was like you're crazy like this is insane how like He would just he was so like that's what she did back then. I mean back in the time 20th century Yeah, seriously, and and I and I I internalized that I think I was like, oh my god I'm crazy. Like this is so abnormal and I I shouldn't have yeah, I just felt so, I think I felt a lot of guilt for expressing it to people. Um, and that has just kind of, that had backfired a lot because it just, that guilt causes me to shut down and stay quiet, but then also resentment builds.

Adeel [52:06]: Yeah. Oh, the layers, the layers.

Unknown Speaker [52:11]: Yes. You get it.

Adeel [52:13]: Um, wow. Yeah. Fascinating. Uh, well, I'm glad, I'm glad, I mean, glad, you know, your therapist is able to make those connections and, um, yeah, I hope things, uh, you're still young. Hopefully things will, uh, start to work out. Um, you know, especially if, if, as you get to other relationships and maybe, maybe have, you know, your own children and whatnot maybe the cycle can break um at least i know i know you won't call them crazy that'll be a that'll be a win um yeah but but but alex yeah i don't know anything else you want anything else you want to share with people um as we start to close out here yeah i know i i guess like the only thing that i'd say is that it is

Unknown Speaker [53:01]: Despite the nicheness and lack of research on this thing, it is very real. And I just sympathize so deeply with anyone who experiences it in any way, shape or form, because it can be such a debilitating thing to live with. And I think just... Yeah, I think it's so important to have these conversations and to be able to articulate and make connections because it's a hard, like, you know, we all struggle in life. But I think it's like, yeah, this is a very real thing that is affecting people for so many reasons. And I'm just, yeah, I'm stoked that you have this podcast and are cultivating spaces where people can talk about it because, yeah, I just think that's awesome.

Adeel [53:49]: Yeah, I appreciate that. Well said. And yeah, I mean, I started the podcast wanting to tell stories, but not realizing that I was going to find all these patterns, which has helped me as well. I bet. So yeah, thanks again for sharing your story. And I know people will listen and this will resonate a lot.

Unknown Speaker [54:07]: And thank you. You're a great host and like the questions you ask. So yeah, I appreciate you having me on here.

Adeel [54:13]: Thanks again, Alex. Very excited for your journey and everything you've been able to process so far. I think this is the way. If you liked this episode, don't forget to leave a quick review or just hit the five stars wherever you listen to the podcast. You can hit me up by email at hello at misophoniapodcast.com or go to the website, misophoniapodcast.com. It's even easier just to send a message on Instagram at Mr. Funny Podcast. You can follow there, Facebook and on X or Twitter. It's Mr. Funny Show. Support the show by visiting Patreon at patreon.com slash Mr. Funny Podcast. The music, as always, is by Moby. And until next week, wishing you peace and quiet.

Unknown Speaker [55:23]: Thank you.