S6E17 - Lauren
Lauren is a freelance graphic designer in Florida. This is Lauren’s first conversation with someone who understands misophonia, which is always a special occasion, we talk about the wedge this caused growing up between herself and her parents, relationships, having friends and partners trigger her on purpose, the effects of anxiety medication on misophonia, and looking back at how miso put her in some really dark places growing up.
Disclaimer: These are machine-generated transcripts and so are not completely accurate. However they will be manually updated over time until they are.
[00:00:00] Adeel: Lauren, welcome to the podcast. Good to have you here. Thank you for having me. Of course. I usually ask the the usual question where, whereabouts are you? ,
[00:00:10] Lauren: I'm in Ocala, it's Florida. So I grew up in Miami, Florida, and now I'm in Ocala.
[00:00:16] Adeel: Gotcha. Okay. How's it weather-wise over there these days?
You probably get that asked all the time.
[00:00:20] Lauren: Normally not too bad. We just had a hurricane and it just
[00:00:23] Adeel: no , we, yeah, we, everyone's heard about that. So I was wondering if you, how far away from that you were.
[00:00:28] Lauren: Yeah, we were we got pretty lucky. We were supposed to be like directly hit and then it turned a little.
Missed us just a little bit, so we only got some rain and wind. It wasn't too bad.
[00:00:39] Adeel: Okay. Good. All right. Yeah. And then what do you do around there for a living or school? I'm not even sure.
[00:00:45] Lauren: So I'm a designer right now. I'm freelancing. So I'm really just like my own boss, if you will.
Right now. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Just freelancing for design. I'm a graphic designer.
[00:00:57] Adeel: Yeah. Were you always freelancing or were you ever working in a company, in an office and all that noise stuff?
[00:01:03] Lauren: Oh yeah. I just spent the last two years in a studio actually working with just a few people.
But enough that I'm definitely enjoying working on my own, I would
[00:01:14] Adeel: say. Did you venture out because you're like, I can't take this anymore.
[00:01:17] Lauren: It actually worked in my favor, , I was let go with like 12 other people for budget cut purposes. , but yes the noises were definitely getting, to me it was a, like a chill environment, so it was like anybody can eat anytime they want.
Oh yeah. So it wasn't my favorite to say the least.
[00:01:37] Adeel: Yeah. Okay. And so it sounds like you, the usual kinds of triggers, the whole mouth eating kind of stuff. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Yeah, then maybe let's rewind all the way back to like as far as back, cuz you can remember like what was it like growing up?
[00:01:53] Lauren: The very difficult and it honestly, this, it's really. a really dark and lonely experience for me, as I'm sure others can relate. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a twin and growing up it was like I was the one with the issues, if you will. Yeah. And so you were
[00:02:16] Adeel: being shamed, I would imagine, maybe because I'm assuming the twin does not, did, does not have misophonia.
[00:02:23] Lauren: I was just , the weirder one, it was just like, oh, she has this thing, and it always made me distance myself from the family and everything. Oh
[00:02:33] Adeel: yeah. Yeah. So how did it, do you remember around when it started and what the circumstances
[00:02:39] Lauren: were?
Yeah I remember I. I was definitely young enough because I was sitting on my mom's lap when I first discovered that I had this, I don't remember much. I just remember I was sitting in her lap and like my ear was like close to her mouth and I could just hear everything and I was like, what is that?
And yeah. I'd say probably like for everyone else, probably like 10. Yeah. Yeah. , maybe younger, maybe eight, I don't know. But yeah.
[00:03:12] Adeel: Do you remember anything unusual around the house or in your life that happened around that time that maybe caused extra stress or anything unusual?
[00:03:20] Lauren: My parents did go through like a divorce around that time, so that was definitely a stressful time.
[00:03:28] Adeel: Yeah. And how did your you and your twin get along around that? .
[00:03:31] Lauren: Pretty well, I was gonna say pretty well, but . Yeah. We get along now a lot. I think we fought a little during, back then, Sure. Yeah. But it wasn't too bad. It wasn't really anything like miso related Yeah.
That we fight over. Yeah.
[00:03:45] Adeel: Yeah. Maybe, after the. The time you remember with your mom, but did things start to just progress? Did you just keep noticing sounds after that, that that day?
[00:03:54] Lauren: Yeah. It really just went downhill after that. I like just could not shake it after that.
I was like I hear everything. And it was the hardest part for me. I didn't know it at the time or put it together or anything, but my mom is like a marijuana user and that's just whatever. I don't know. I'm sure others like people know what I'm talking about.
Like people who like smoke marijuana, they get like dry mouth, yeah. And I didn't know how to explain what I was like feeling, but it's like I vividly remember getting this anxiety like every single night because my mom would come into my room and like laid down like in my bed to kiss me goodnight, whatever.
And that's supposed to be this like nice moment, but I would just turn into this like little. Asshole, if you will. And I would just be like, and all I could say was, you're making the noise. That was all I would say. I just kept saying, you're making the noise. And I would freak out and push her off of me.
And I just didn't know what this was or like how to even explain it. And all I could say was, you're making the noise. And she was like, what noise? And I was just like, I don't know. It was so frustrating because I just couldn't, I didn't, I had no
[00:05:01] Adeel: idea. But how did yeah. I. , how did that progress? Like, how did she react?
Like it couldn't have been the same thing every night, that at some point she must have either tried to be accepting or maybe got bad, but, started to get mad and sha shaming you. Like how did that, how did people react to that?
[00:05:21] Lauren: I think I've actually kinda blocked a lot of it out by now.
I just know that. It forced like a wedge between me and my mom, especially like in those moments, like I think she just learned to distance herself. She just didn't even allow herself to get too close. Cuz it was like, what is wrong with my kid? ? I get close to her and she freaks out.
[00:05:42] Adeel: Yeah. Close physically, but also maybe close emotionally
[00:05:45] Lauren: as well. Yeah, definitely. Cause I, she just couldn't. Understand, and it wasn't her fault. Like I, I couldn't even explain it at the time.
[00:05:55] Adeel: How was your, oh, was your dad around at that time as well?
[00:05:59] Lauren: Yeah he was and both of my parents are, like a bunch of the other podcasts that I listen to for the other ones, like my parents are definitely my biggest triggers for sure.
. Yeah. They,
[00:06:11] Adeel: We are here. We know all about that. , about that. Yeah. Unfortunately. And how did your dad react to you? I'm assuming you had similar reactions there. Yeah,
[00:06:20] Lauren: he, my dad's he'll make jokes out of uncomfortable situations, that's just how he like copes with things, and. , I'm not gonna, go as far to say and even to this day, but he doesn't like make fun of Misson, but he. He'll just be like, like there was this like dinosaur show on at the time and it was called like Mesopotamia and like to this day he'll literally be like, Laura Mesopotamia and try to like, make jokes out of it.
And he's do you still have that thing? Do you got the Mesopotamia thing? You still have that? And he like, he just like jokes about it. Yeah. And which is like not my favorite.
[00:07:00] Adeel: .
Yeah. We do get we seem to be the whipp. Whipping boy of mental health conditions. Yeah, it's it's just trivialized and diminished and just shrugged off.
Interesting. Okay. And those aren't even funny jokes I have to say. , I know humor is a good coping mechanism. I was like, Ooh, I would've, would, had maybe some respective, it was funny. No offense dad, if you're listening, but , we do like humor, but I bet you could probably work on it anyways.
Okay. Yeah. Okay. Interesting. What about your sister in this mix then? How was she must have observed you her twin you guys are probably similar in many ways, but this thing obviously must have been like way out there. How did, how was she reacting? So
[00:07:36] Lauren: she, I will say my sister was and has been like the, Understanding and respectful about it.
Even though she, especially growing up when I didn't even know what was going on, she really had no idea, but I think she almost felt like protective over it. Because I would be like dying, just losing it like at the table and she would just, she could tell. And that being said though, I think.
It's definitely something I regret because, like telling her so much about it to try to make her understand because it's almost like she has it now because she looks out for it so much and she's told that to me before. She's expressed it. She's I feel like everyone bothers me now. Be, and it's not just bothers.
To a certain extent, I think she like, looks out for things that would bother me as a way to protect me, like when we're together. And then she gets like really aggravated by everybody like eating and like the movies and stuff. She'll get so mad and oh everyone's eating around us.
Can you believe that? when normally she wouldn't even notice.
[00:08:42] Adeel: Yeah. Is that, did that disaster happen just recently? In the last few years? Like her, yeah.
[00:08:49] Lauren: A long time. A really long time and I think it made her almost resent our parents in a way, because like my mom would be like, just so obviously just have the driest mouth and she'd be talking to us, and then I would look at my sister. See, like you hear it And she's yeah, I do hear it. Oh my God. And so she would kind, I think it built this I think I just honestly I just feel like I, I drove wedges between everybody because of this.
I don't know.
[00:09:17] Adeel: It's interesting just yeah. By your sister because Misson is sometimes thought of as, an overactive I'm making up my own words here, but a kind of an overactive defense mechanism trying to protect you from a phantom danger or something that may have happened, like a, whether something specific that happened or some chronic stress that happened early on in your life where you weren't fully under supported emotionally.
So it's interesting that. Mean it in intuitively might make sense where now your sister is taking on that role of protecting you and maybe she is now being overly sensitive to sounds of maybe full on picking up misson. Yeah. Actually maybe, yeah, let me talk about the kinda the, it gives, yeah.
As you probably know, a comment theme that shows up is the distance and wedging between. , the MyPhone and other family members obviously with the parents did they ever express their frustration with you? Did they ever show it in ways? I don't know, like staying, you said staying away with you at night, but any how did you, how did they express it and how did that make you feel?
Because, a lot of us also have that kind of guilt that kind of builds up. Was that part of your experience growing up? Oh
[00:10:26] Lauren: yeah, definitely. Definitely. I felt guilty at all times. Because we don't
[00:10:31] Adeel: want this, this will be clear, right? , we don't want Mrs. Sonia we're not choosing to, they're, people growing up.
We are obviously even people without Misson will try to, be sometimes assholes with their parents. But this is a whole other thing. We don't want this.
[00:10:43] Lauren: I didn't ask for this .
[00:10:44] Adeel: Yeah. , this is like a whole other level. Yeah. So how did I don't, did they ever express that that they were upset, that this was, did they ever notice that this was causing a wedge or did it just gonna happen naturally?
Something you noticed?
[00:10:58] Lauren: While it was, I think like a natural. Steady progression of a wedge. I do think, there were times when individually they both expressed how it made them feel. Specifically, I remember my mom was like getting dressed or something for her birthday party and she was like really stressed and I walked in the bathroom and I said something and to ask her something and she was like, chewing gum, like it was nobody's business and.
And she was like talking to me and I just, I was like, I can't, I'm not focusing on anything or saying, and I just was like, can you please spit the gum out? I need, I'm talking to you. And she just sniped at me and was like, this is my room. It's my birthday. I can chew gum if I want.
That's your problem. And and she was like, and I was like can't talk to you, if you're gonna chew gum like that. And she was like, then don't talk to me, then I guess you're gonna have to deal with that. And I was like, okay. That's one memory I specifically have with her. And then my dad something I think about almost every day, it rings around my head.
He like sat me down one day and he was like, Lauren, you have this thing, but the world doesn't owe you anything. And he was like, nobody owes you anything. People are allowed to chew. People are allowed to make noise. , they're not gonna feel bad about it, and you can't make them feel bad about it. This is just something you're gonna have to pretty much deal with on your own for the rest of your life.
And really, nobody has to help you with this. Nobody has to accommodate to you. And he was like, just remember that. Nobody owes you anything because of this. And I was like, okay. And that really stuck with me.
[00:12:31] Adeel: So yeah. Which reminds you of another thing like. , we get all that . We know that we know that we, the problem lies with us in most cases.
Obviously, if somebody's gonna be obnoxiously making noises that's one thing. But yeah it's funny that people think that we are I don't know, being too aggravated like we choose to be or aggravated. By I don't know, slightly ew manners, but this is something that's within us that we can't really control.
And and it sends us to on a scale of one to 10, it sends us to a hundred. So yeah, it's yeah, this is . It's like we, we know that pe other people are, the world is not gonna revolve around us. That's, yeah. That's the funny part. Did what about at school and whatnot did things start to trigger you at school?
[00:13:18] Lauren: Yes. I can say confidently I think this just made school so much worse for me in every single way. I, I even will go as far to say, I think my grades suffered because of this. I could never pay attention, i, , I just, I couldn't I just couldn't do it. Like I just ripped my hair out every day and I Did
[00:13:41] Adeel: you try to wear earplugs or anything, or
[00:13:44] Lauren: yeah, eventually in high school, I wanna say it was like 11th grade.
I finally, I had a psychology teacher and I was like, listen. And that's actually when I found out. I think it was like, , maybe 10th grade of high school. , I found out that this was finally a, there was a term for it and like it was an actual condition and all that. And so I told my psychology teacher about it and I I remember I had a whole printout about it and I was like, if you don't believe me, look, this is real.
And like I showed her a whole like, packet about it. And so I was like, Is it okay if I just wear these headphones? They're noise canceling. I'm not even gonna be listening to music. And she let me, she was the on, I asked another teacher and she said, no. And I was like, okay, but,
[00:14:29] Adeel: and you gave that teacher the same packet of information?
[00:14:31] Lauren: Yeah. And she was like, no, I cannot have you. Listening to headphones and I was like not, I won't be listening to music, but she was, she basically was like, if I let you wear headphones, when's it gonna stop everyone else? I don't wanna wear headphones. But I was like, okay, it's not the same, but all right.
[00:14:46] Adeel: Yeah. It's classic.
[00:14:48] Lauren: Yeah. School was awful. And I remember I, there was this one kid, Jake, who sat next to me and he was just like, he was just the worst. The worst
[00:14:58] Adeel: kicks are usually
[00:14:59] Lauren: the worst. The worst, yeah. And yeah, and I finally got the courage and because he would, it was like every day.
It was like his routine. He would, it was like right after lunch, he would take the gum out offer to everybody. That was just his thing. And he put three pieces of gum in his mouth at once and I was just like, I wanna die. And so I finally I wrote him this little note and I was like, Hey, Jake, like I have this you can look it up, but basically like I just spilled my guts out.
So this. Guy on a post. He thought
[00:15:30] Adeel: he was getting a love letter or something.
[00:15:32] Lauren: Yeah, I like passed it over and then I watched him read it and I was like really embarrassed and then he just turned around said nothing. And I was like, okay, we'll see what happens, and he didn't say anything. And then the next day he came in, looked at me like dead in the eyes and was like, who wants gum?
And just literally tormented me every single day after that and did it on. ?
[00:15:55] Adeel: Yeah, I don't know what to say there. Yeah. Other than Jake, I know it's a Jake move. It's a very Jake move. Very sorry that happened. Okay. And, yeah. Wow. So only one teacher help you. Did anyone did you share it with any of your, like your friends?
And was anyone protective or accepting of you?
[00:16:12] Lauren: I really didn't tell a lot of people. Just really ashamed of it. And I, yeah. Yeah. And I just, I, it was hard to I was like hanging out with everyone all the time and then so all of a sudden just be like, okay, so I have this, I know what I, what's going on now, and just, I don't know, I didn't wanna drop this bomb on them or change anything, so I, yeah, I didn't really tell like really anybody.
[00:16:34] Adeel: Did it ever affect who you maybe would hang out with or what events you would go.
[00:16:40] Lauren: Yes, a hundred percent. It was really difficult. Like my best friend at the time was she chewed terrible and I
[00:16:49] Adeel: actually worse than Jake or Oh, better than Jake,
[00:16:53] Lauren: honestly. I wanna say like the same level and go figure.
It was my best friend and it just killed me. I was like, every time I hang out with you, it's like worse and. So you just kinda avoid eating situations? Yeah. Oh, I already ate lunch. Sorry. Like a calculator. Like that type of thing.
[00:17:09] Adeel: Yeah. Yeah. Did you eventually tell her like later
[00:17:12] Lauren: on? I did. I did.
I had to, I sat her down and I was like, listen, like if we're gonna continue this friendship I need to be honest with you. And I told her and she was actually understanding. Is that to say it really changed anything? No, it really didn't. That's been. Current struggle actually. It's like you, you finally, find it in yourself to tell them and be vulnerable and they're understanding about it and it's actually pretty cool.
But then they like forget and it's do I have to remind you every single time we eat? I don't even know how to go about that.
[00:17:44] Adeel: Yeah. That unfortunately, that won't necess. Change. And at some point hopefully you don't, but at some point people get, get jaded and then maybe stop telling people, cuz it's just is it really worth it?
Exactly. We do that calculation. It's because yeah, I mean it sucks to yeah, be vulnerable and then have that let down that kind of high and then low that relief and then it's not actually gonna change after this. I, it's not, again, going back to, the comment you dad, but it's not like we're expecting your entire world to change.
We're expect we're ex, we're expecting, I think to be taken as seriously as other conditions. Because I think that just knowing that the other person is aware can reduce our, the perceived threat level that our brain seems to be assigning to these noises.
[00:18:32] Lauren: Yes, exactly. ,
[00:18:35] Adeel: how about okay, so let's see you, are we into kind of college years now?
Like you, you got outta high school you made it through the Jakes and everybody else. Did you go to college? How did that, and did your choice of career path? Can I be affected by by Ms.
[00:18:50] Lauren: I did go to college. I studied illustration for four years.
The same problems kinda, and challenges. It really every, it just followed me there. And I'd love to say it was better or I had a better way of managing it, but I really didn't. It was just, yeah, it was pretty.
[00:19:08] Adeel: Did you ever see a professional at any point? I should have asked like a therapist, psychologist about misophonia or actually anything else?
And you don't have to tell me about that if you had diagnosed for other stuff, but we're always just curious if you tried to see anybody and or if you tried to see somebody for somebody else did they even know about misophonia?
[00:19:29] Lauren: Yeah. So I never really saw any specialists you.
Exactly a about Ms. Poya. But I was going to a therapist a few months ago and I actually mentioned it to her because a lot of scenarios I was explaining, I would just be like, and I was so mad at my mom and I just felt like she wasn't fully getting the whole story, so I was like, so I was like, okay. So backtracking and honestly, I was like, backtracking the last few months I need to tell you like, I have this that kind of affects like my day to day. Yeah. And my relationships. And she was like, oh wow. Like this kind of changes a lot of things. And she had never heard of it.
She was interested. I don't know if she necessarily was on board with me, but she tried. Okay.
[00:20:13] Adeel: Okay. She tried and that, but that's it. You haven't really Have you, has she brought it up since then or no?
[00:20:19] Lauren: No, and I'm actually not even going to therapy anymore for just other reasons, but. , she actually made like light of the situation actually, and was like, I don't know, making jokes about it too.
[00:20:34] Adeel: no. Are they better than your dad's jokes? At least ,
[00:20:35] Lauren: Honestly, anything's better. ? Yeah, ,
[00:20:38] Adeel: Mesopotamia. I'm going to I won't remember that one. Okay, so then, okay, so actually that gets us for relatively what about in so we talked about forensic relationships that. , has it affected that part aspect of your life?
[00:20:52] Lauren: your personal life? Yeah. Oh yeah. It's affected relationships. Especially because, like example, I was dating this one guy, and I'm not gonna say I broke up with him because of his chewing, but. , it was maybe a good 85%. Did you say that? Yeah. Eventually I was like, I just can't, I can't handle it.
If I have to listen to this every day, like I'm gonna go insane. And I tried,
[00:21:16] Adeel: I actually Did you mention it or did you just Yeah. Internalize it and didn't put hightailed it out of there. Oh,
[00:21:21] Lauren: I mentioned it more. A good handful of times. , I, I was really trying, and with him, I actually sat him down with the documentary, quiet Please.
And I was like, please watch this. Oh, . Yeah. And I I thought that would help. And I was like, listen, like this is real. I need you to watch this. And we did. And he I remember he was like, this is dumb. I was like, okay. Oh no. Yeah. So whatever. But it definitely has affected.
Relationships. I remember I had one partner I specifically remember I was actually in high school and I had just found out what it was and he was like eating spaghetti and it was the worst. Oh, God. And so I was like, listen, I just found out about this. and you're killing me. And he like got in my face and did it on purpose.
And it was the first time that I, or the only time actually that I reacted physically and like I slapped him like across the face. And that was really bad.
[00:22:19] Adeel: Yeah. Yeah. Again, we don't want to do that, but when push comes to shove, that's understandable. Especially when you're just learning about it.
Yeah. Interesting. Okay. Yeah. Wow. So yeah, obviously it's like many of us, it's affected every aspect of your life. Has it I dunno switching gears, but has it you're an illustrator has it seeped into your art at all? Is it something that you try to express creatively? Yes
[00:22:42] Lauren: and no.
I think really in a way only I. Recognize I can go back in my sketchbook specifically and Oh, that's
[00:22:51] Adeel: actually cooler that yeah. It's something that makes it more personal, I think, and because I, I tell people, this is, honestly, I think creatively mis funny is a completely unchartered territory.
I think it's a totally untouched landscape, so it's, I'm always really interested in how people might be expressing it creatively.
[00:23:10] Lauren: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, in my sketchbook, I can go and see all the pages that are like dark. Like you can just tell I was pushing on this pencil like really hard. And yeah. All that, those were the times that I was losing it with misophonia, I would just open my sketchbook and start drawing.
Those were all the times I can like, feel it when I look at the pages yeah.
[00:23:35] Adeel: So what would your so obviously like many of us you'd be triggered any, or. It take, takes a while. It takes a while to come down from that level of stimulation. What were some of your coping mechanisms?
I think we talked a little bit about maybe earplugs and earbuds. How are how were you getting over things or
[00:23:52] Lauren: trying to Yeah. I have not been,
[00:23:55] Adeel: other than slapping
[00:23:56] Lauren: people, but besides slapping people let me see.
[00:24:00] Adeel: Like breathing. I the whole fight or flight thing like you probably leave a lot of situations.
[00:24:05] Lauren: I leave a lot sometimes. Recently I was just sitting at my mom's house eating dinner with her, and it's new. I just literally, like this month, have started sitting at the table with her for the first time in like years because she's living alone. I'm not even living there anymore. And it, I just, I can't sit on the couch.
I can't bring myself to sit. The house from her, and she's it's okay, don't worry. But, so I just started sitting at the table, but I sometimes, like last week, I just stood up so abruptly and just walked away. But yeah. Yeah. Did she know what
[00:24:39] Adeel: was going on at this point?
[00:24:41] Lauren: I don't think so. I don't, I honestly don't know.
And we haven't addressed it either, which might be even worse. I don't.
[00:24:51] Adeel: It's worse, but it's common. It's not necessarily, I don't, I'm not one to say it was worse or not, but it's yeah I totally get that. What a, do you try to put I don't know, music in the background or some kind of like in white noise, brand noise?
[00:25:02] Lauren: Yeah, put the TV on like pretty loud in the back, which is not even my favorite. I hate it cause you're like screaming over dinner. What? But I. , if it's just quiet I don't think I can do it.
[00:25:14] Adeel: Yeah. No I can almost hear that. , maybe. Yeah, and yeah, like in the going out in the real world do you, I don't know, like going shopping or whatever.
Do you I don't know. Do you always plot away out of a situation? Do you check the aisles before you go in? Like how's you, how do you navigate through life day to day.
[00:25:30] Lauren: I really lately it, the last few years really, it ha it doesn't even affect my day to day in ways that, like walking down aisles or being at the grocery store, nothing's really bothering me.
It's more cause I can like roam around freely, whatever. Yeah. But I think it's and especially I'm sure others can relate, it's if I'm sitting in the movie theater and it's okay, I'm here. Yeah. Two hours and now everyone's eating I'm trapped and I can't really keep getting up.
[00:25:58] Adeel: It's, yeah. It feels like it's our brain. Yeah. It's our brain looking out for, some kind of a trying to protect us. Yeah. Which is which I realized is almost one reason why I think myself and a lot of us are trying to promote, like leading with. self, just self-compassion because it's, for me, I feel like it's almost beautiful that this kind of damaged part of us is, it seems like a damaged part of us is trying to protect us from something that's not there.
Maybe remembering something from the past, which is an interesting thing to think about and is getting a lot, some traction in therapies I think. Wow,
[00:26:33] Lauren: I
[00:26:34] Adeel: love that. Yeah. Yeah. So I, I don't, yeah I find that if a, if yeah, like you, like a lot of experience, if, yeah, if we're sitting down in a theater and we can't get out, it's somehow more stressful than if we're, if we have an exit planned, like an exit site.
But also, yet, I think trying to what I've been trying to do lately more often I always forget, is just trying to, before. enter potential situation is just try to remind my brain that you're, thank you for trying to protect me. Everything's gonna be okay. I'm not gonna get killed or strangled or molded.
And that seems to help, like just prepping myself. I dunno if that's something that has occurred to you, or not.
[00:27:17] Lauren: It hasn't, but. I would definitely like to shift my thinking a bit,
[00:27:21] Adeel: and I'm not a therapist but it's something I'm just like shooting a shit about some stuff that I've, yeah, I don't know.
I've been trying, I'll
[00:27:27] Lauren: take it. Yeah. I'll take it. I'll also say that I've been on dif all different anxiety meds the last few months or
[00:27:34] Adeel: so. Yeah. Okay. So I was gonna ask Yeah, if you'd delved into any yeah. Medications for any kind.
[00:27:39] Lauren: Yeah. I had to I had to, I, I just, I felt My heart was racing too much during the day.
I was like, this just, this can't be healthy for me.
[00:27:48] Adeel: Was it being revved up be you think primarily because of misophonia or was there other things causing anxiety?
[00:27:55] Lauren: I mean there definitely were a ton of other factors for sure that, just did not help my situation. But yeah, definitely.
The misophonia was it revs me up. Like I feel like the pulse in my neck is just I, oh, it's I hear my heart beating, like I just feel like I'm gonna pass out, and I'm like, so hot and tunnel vision. It's terrible. It's it, the only way I've tried to describe it to people is just like all of a sudden just picture like the.
Nervous and anxious and just all the worst feelings you've ever felt, ever. It's like all at once and you can't turn it off, you can't do anything about it. And it's just like instant. And you just go from like fine to all of a sudden you're like breaking down and you can't even explain. Yeah. Like it's just, it's terrible.
[00:28:50] Adeel: Do you like freeze? Cause there's fight flight and then there's also like a freeze response. Do you just shut down cuz you're your body's so overwhelmed.
[00:28:57] Lauren: Yes. That's the worst for me. I freeze a lot. And especially, I'll be like mid conversation with like my boyfriend especially, or with anybody.
I'll just be like talking and then I'll be like, triggered and then all of a sudden I like, I cannot engage in this conversation anymore. But, and it doesn't have
[00:29:14] Adeel: to be, he doesn't even have to be the trigger. It could be somebody around Oh
[00:29:18] Lauren: Yeah. Anything.
[00:29:20] Adeel: Yeah. Did in the therapist you were seeing about the anxiety, did they have any recommendations other than medicine, just like maybe breathing exercises at least, or something to like help in those really sharp moments?
[00:29:34] Lauren: She did recommend some like meditation and then as well, like also breathing exercises in the moment. And I know it's that's
[00:29:43] Adeel: hard to re hard to remember . Yeah. You can't exactly start meditating
[00:29:47] Lauren: and Right. I'm not like, okay, let me find my myself. You
[00:29:49] Adeel: can breathe. That's good.
Yeah. I tried, let me open my Headspace app and Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. And then, what does your current partner think of the situation?
[00:29:59] Lauren: I will say, , and I told him this, I, he's been the most understanding out of all my partners, probably combined.
[00:30:07] Adeel: He's still here.
That's a plus,
[00:30:09] Lauren: right? He while I know he does not understand it at all like at all, but especially lately, like current. , he like does this thing where he'll be eating and then he just like, like he's not even eating anymore. And then he'll just like, smack his lips together.
Like after done. Yeah. Yeah. And I think it's honestly more of a visual thing for me. When I see him do it, it's like a visual trigger and I just keep reminding him like, can, please stop. But he never gets mad or. Frustrated or anything. He just, every time he's oh, I'm sorry. Or oh I didn't realize.
And he doesn't really make me feel like guilty about it either, which is really
[00:30:52] Adeel: a's Yeah. Yeah. But that's, cuz that's where we're at. If you can not make us feel ashamed, like that is, that's a plus. That's sad that's where we're at. Exactly. But yeah that's.
That's the positive. And you mentioned visual triggers, so I was gonna ask has this expanded to other senses like visuals? Yeah, definitely visuals. Did that start around the same time with your mom being on your mom's lap? Or did that something that kind of evolved later?
[00:31:17] Lauren: I think it evolved. Yeah. It definitely evolved. Yeah. It wasn't always visual.
[00:31:24] Adeel: Yeah. Yeah. Anything, any, I don't know. Any other senses? Like a touch or smell or anything? I'm just curious if I've started to think recently that misophonia is symptomatic of wider a sensory issues and just happens.
Hearing seems to be the hardest thing to hide from. You can always close your eyes, you can always, not to touch something, but hearing seems in, in many situations is the hardest thing to get away from. So I'm just curious if there are other senses other than visuals even that you've noticed?
Any odd sensitivities?
[00:31:55] Lauren: Yeah. I, I don't know if this is related at all, but I'm very particular like my. And I've always been this way since I was little. My, like this, like the seams that like go over your toes. It's like something about it, like when I was little I would literally like unravel my socks, like just rip holes in them.
And I eventually had this huge like yarn ball of just all my socks that I tore apart. And I still, to this day, I have it, like I wear my socks inside out and if it's not on the right way, I have to take it off and I can't stand if it touches my toe in the wrong way. And then sheets like bedsheets, it's to this day, and it's always been like that.
If I, if they're like wrinkly under me, like loose, I will. Jump out of the bed. Not even to be dramatic, but I'll like, yeah, start crying yeah. I don't know what that is, but, so I'm definitely, something's going on.
[00:32:51] Adeel: Did you ever therapist or anybody else mention maybe o c D of any sort or any kind of like other comorbid situation as an an obviously anxiety?
[00:33:00] Lauren: No, only because I haven't even. Mentioned any of the thought
[00:33:05] Adeel: about it. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Oh the whole wrinkly bedsheet thing or stocks you just didn't, you haven't mentioned that. , no. Probably doesn't happen that often. So it's like, why would you remember Right. necessarily. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Any other as you're learning about stuff and you're probably listening to this show, are there any kind of therapies that, or I dunno, anything that sounds interesting coping mechanism that you wanna explore or you're trying to learn more?
[00:33:26] Lauren: I want to learn more. I'm open to really anything at this point. I guess just really, I've been trying to meditate and do yoga to just focus on my breathing and breathing techniques. That's,
[00:33:41] Adeel: yeah. If you can reduce our stress level, it just, it doesn't take Ms. Sonia away, but it, I think it make, it could make it happen less often, and I think it'll also.
help us come down faster. You know what I mean? Yeah. Obviously it doesn't doesn't help if, it's hitting us like 10 times an hour, but at some point our body will give up. But but yeah, definitely like deep breathing. I think breathing, you're exhaling longer than you inhale.
Things like that can definitely help.
[00:34:09] Lauren: Yeah. I. , all that's been great. And I'm trying I wanna say the thing that's honestly just helped the most is anxiety meds, like , they, and they, especially this one, it's take as needed. So Really, it's just like a little Oh yeah. And it's just like a little, it's not like anything crazy, but.
K She said it makes you not drowsy, but just chills you out. And in the moment you just take one of those in five minutes you're starting to feel better.
[00:34:40] Adeel: So Really? Yeah. And so you can I don't know if I necessarily wanna mention drug names, but it's one that you can just take as needed and just don't I'm sure there's gotta be some limit as to how many you should take in a day, but, that's interesting.
[00:34:53] Lauren: Yeah, it. Three a day. I save it for three very special moments in the day where I'm like, is it worth it? Is this worth, yeah, one to three. But yeah, it, I'm not over here, advocating for like meds or anything cause it's just my experience, but it's definitely helped me a lot.
[00:35:09] Adeel: Okay. Okay. And has, do you think it has helped maybe more long term, has it given you. , is it basically the kind of like the is hitting you the same every day? It's just that, that the medication is able to I don't know if it's, is it having a long term effect? Like it's maybe are you think you'll be solely be able to wean yourself off of it or, I hope
[00:35:30] Lauren: so.
I don't know if it's psychological or what, but I do think it's helping like overall, like in the, long, like in the grand scheme of things, but.
[00:35:40] Adeel: Gotcha. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Interesting. And do you, have you met anyone else who has Ms. Onnia?
[00:35:45] Lauren: Actually I haven't physically met, but it was random. It was some girl I knew in college.
I ended up telling her about her. I ended up telling her about it and then she, Told me that her cousin had it. And I never met her or anything, but that was cool. I was like, oh my God. I didn't know anyone else had it at all. So that was cool. And then one of my friends, her roommate in college had it as well, and, but I never met her, so I just knew of people having it.
But this is the first time I'm even talking to somebody who knows what I'm talking about. So this is very,
[00:36:20] Adeel: This is your first most funny conversation with somebody else who has it. Okay, cool. Oh yeah, no, yeah, it's it's exciting. It's actually, it's always exciting to be on my end too, to help somebody like verbalize it.
And hopefully it helps. Yeah. Interesting. we're getting to, getting to at least 45 minutes and but yeah, any, anything else you want to share, you're definitely not the only one. N not really talked about it with another person. Anything you wanna share about some of the learnings you've had or experiences you've had?
[00:36:50] Lauren: I will say for anybody listening, cuz I know I've been listening to a bunch of the episodes and they've been very reassuring for me. And, I feel like I'm having a whole rollercoaster of emotions just listening to this podcast and all different episodes. I've been crying and, yeah. Smiling, just everything.
It's so relatable and refreshing. But I will say, if anybody is struggling, as bad as I was struggling at a certain point in my life, I I like almost, I've had so many even past thoughts of ending my life over this. It's been a very dark and lonely ride, I once took tweezers and jammed them so far in my ear.
I just trying to just take my hearing out and I thought I did it.
[00:37:35] Adeel: Wow. Okay. Did it Yeah. Permanently damage your hearing at all, do you think or?
[00:37:40] Lauren: Yeah. I know I did something . Yeah.
[00:37:43] Adeel: Yeah. I Do you remember what caused that? What was happening that, that made you like what was the incident and Yeah.
How old? .
[00:37:50] Lauren: I wanna say I was probably, I know I was in high school. , so I was like in my teens and maybe 16 and all that was going on. We were literally just, I was just eating dinner with my sister, my mom, and my dad. That's it. We weren't even nothing super out of ordinary. Yeah. And I, all I remember is we were eating in silence because nobody wanted the TV on and, yeah.
[00:38:17] Adeel: Did you bring the tweezers at the table or did you
[00:38:20] Lauren: go no and nobody, I've never even talked about this with anybody, like ever. And I just remember I stood up from the table and like I was really calm about it too, and I just walked into the bathroom. And I just took the, I didn't even think about it.
I just took the tweezers and I just jammed them. Like I'm telling you, the whole tweezer was like in my ear and yeah, the pain was like, oh my God. And I just remember I fell on the floor and it was just this ringing really loud in my ear and it was bleeding. Yeah.
[00:38:46] Adeel: Yeah. No, I, I can, I, can I done that?
I can imagine that. And you said you got up calmly, but I think those are the times when our body is the most. in pain because we're just, you're probably not even really in control. You just bee lined it to the bathroom and did that.
[00:39:04] Lauren: Yeah. So that being said I would just say that, even in the worst moments like you mentioned earlier you're not gonna die, you're going to be okay.
I do. Your perspective of it, of what you mentioned, like our brain's just trying to protect us. I really do like that. That's nice. So I think just reminding yourself, like grounding yourself. Yeah. It's okay. As bad as it does seem,
[00:39:27] Adeel: it does get better. People who listen to this podcast hear that.
you get more triggers, more things start to trigger you as you get older. But but as you get older, you become more independent. You're not like you, you're not necessarily, you're not living, you're not having dinner with your family every day. Now you can have a little bit more agency on your life.
Yeah, choose a little bit how you work, how you live. Yeah that's hopefully very reassuring to people that, that freedom can
[00:39:51] Lauren: definitely, Yes, definitely. Like you will be more in control. You're not always gonna be in a classroom setting, so it's okay.
[00:40:00] Adeel: Yeah. And yeah, but I'm also hoping that the more awareness that gets out amongst me phones that we, we can, meet the, reach those high schoolers so they don't have to feel the way you did on some of those occasion.
Oh yeah. Yeah. Anything else? And any last words you wanna share?
[00:40:16] Lauren: Not necessarily anything. I think I got it all out
[00:40:19] Adeel: here, . Yeah. Yeah. That was great. Yeah. How does it feel? It kind of flies by, doesn't it? Especially the first time you've talked about it. Oh
[00:40:26] Lauren: my God, this flew by. I was pretty nervous, but this was great. I really do hope that others can relate and that it helps somebody. Cause I know this podcast has helped me like an insane amount. So yeah. Cool. That's really it.
[00:40:42] Adeel: Yeah. Thanks for coming on, Lauren. Thank
[00:40:44] Lauren: you so much for having me. Thank you. Thank you
[00:40:46] Adeel: again, Lauren. Thanks for sharing your story so openly.
I know a lot of people living in silence will. If you like this episode, don't forget to leave a quick review or just hit the five stars wherever you listen to this show. You can hit me up by email@example.com or go to the website misophonia podcast.com. It's even easier to send me a message on Instagram.
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